Tag Archives: satire

The Ten Commandments – unabridged

You shall have no other gods before Me. After is fine as you will likely tire of me rather quickly. You shall not make for yourself a graven image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. […]

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The Ten Commandments – revised (USA Edition)

You shall have no other gods before Me for I am a petulant God. Anybody that doesn’t obey this is obviously an idiot and should be treated as such. You shall not make for yourself a graven image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, […]

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Scientists Identify Prettiest Color

USA TOUCHE 4/22/2011 Leon Hostetler After years of research, a team of scientists in Hungary has made a ground-breaking discovery. Dr. Zenkwater, professor at the Institute for Optical and Illusory Studies in Hungary and his team of researchers are credited with solving a problem that has baffled scientists and philosophers for many years. The problem […]

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Kansas Speaks out against Prejudicial Pronouns

USA TOUCHE 4/21/2011 Leon Hostetler After several hours of deliberation, members of the all-female Council against Prejudice have developed a list of pronouns that are officially sexist. It is their recommendation that other people should be referred to as “it” rather than by the sexist terms “she” and “he”. The press brief went on to […]

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CPSC Seeks to Reduce Table Fork Injuries

USA TOMORROW 2/2/2011 Leon Hostetler As pressure to address debilitating table fork injuries builds, the head of the Consumer Product Safety Commission says she will call in the utensil industry and the safety standards group to find out why more hasn’t been done to address the problem. The CPSC estimates there are an average of […]

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Scientific Device Causes Micro-organisms to Increase in Size

May 16, 1784 Dear Esteemed Members of the Science Community, It is with great pride that I notify you, my fellow esteemed scientists, of the creation of a device that has the effect of massively increasing the physical size of micro-organisms. This device will be of supreme importance in our understanding of micro-organisms due to […]

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Tools of Logic for the Common Man

Understanding Your Universe   Logic is undoubtedly the single most important subject that you could learn. It is with logic that we can understand the universe, the reason why it exists, and our purpose in life. But then again, if not used properly, logic can turn around and bite you in the ass. Logic can […]

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Magic Farts

Many of you are probably thinking “magic farts?” But I’m serious, farting has some strange powers when used correctly. Wait, don’t go – give me a chance and I’ll tell you about a great discovery I’ve made, how it has helped me, and how you too can use the power of farting, to your advantage. […]

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